Secrets & Alignments
In this video, I’m breaking the cycle of letting the fear of being seen hold me back. I invite you to look into my mind, heart, and soul as I speak freely about my life, both on and off the mats. You’ll see how my journey with mental health and jiu-jitsu intertwine, and how the work I’ve created with MyLine is a true reflection of that connection.
Sensitivity Warning: Suicide & Swearing
Bomb Free
For many years, I felt misaligned
Keeping a secret that had no name
My secret was a feeling
A fracture I never allowed to be seen
For many years, I was misdiagnosed
I ran to substances to survive
Finding myself swallowed up in chaos
Desperate to escape
Digging deep into the core of me
Eventually unearthing my secrets name
ADHD
Autism
Add a splash of C-PTSD for a little extra neurospice
Naming my secret doesn’t change who I am
It gifts me a blueprint of my brain type
Language that serves as landmarks when the waves of me become rocky
It prevents me from shoving the “too much” back in the box
From creating a bomb in my soul set to explode when the pressure reaches capacity
Having language allows for understanding
Space to be authentically me
Bomb free
The hardest part of naming my secret was being honest with myself
Committing to sitting with all of her
No escape route
Telling her I loved her while her fire consumed
Telling her she was loved while others ran from her cries
Asking her to trust us
She didn’t have to do it all alone
I made room for her to tell me about her needs
I apologized for ignoring her sensory sensitivities
Smothering her sound with smoke & whiskey
I asked her how we were going to get through the unwinding of self abandoning
She couldn’t stop shaking
Her eyes blinded by shades of red
She begged me to listen
I held her until she could breathe
I’ve been unraveling, forward, since moving to Oklahoma
The mats were our first happy home
A place where my secret didn’t feel like a secret
A place where I felt aligned
A place that didn’t need names
We just moved and it was magic
The mats are where I dance with my secret
When we breathe together
We flow effortlessly
When she is activated
We take our taps like a prescription
She spits and snarls and skips over details
Exposing our neck
Leaving to much space
She wants to be swept away
She wants to show me she can do it on her own
She doesn’t need me to ground her
She doesn’t care if we breathe
Eventually she tuckers herself out
We find our breath
Return to a playful flow
She feels seen
I give her space without being mean
We are unwinding
Creating a new way of moving together
A way where I don’t get mad when she feels like a monster
She doesn’t hiss every time I remind her to drink a little water
We are creating a life that is aligned
A life where we are free to simply be